CrashLaughing.com - Even More Quotes

"We spend so much money on the military, yet we're slashing education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we've got smart bombs and stupid children. - Jon Stewart	"I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions. 'Mr. Kinney, can you tell us the common denominator here?' Yeah, we all think this sucks." - David Kinney
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.	"I see a lot of bicycles with baby seats on the back. Is this really fun for the kid? Dad's enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. Junior's got his nose wedged between sweaty butt cheeks all afternoon." - Jonathan Droll
"The Gerber Company is in big trouble. They had to recall 10 million pacifiers. It seems a Consumer Reports study came out saying they sucked." - Conan O'Brian	"There is one NBA player who claims in every city he plays, he's got a female stalker. Stalker is such a negative term; let's call her the mother of his child. - Weldon Gaines
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.	"I bought a bird feeder. It was expensive, but I figured in the long run, it would save me money on cat food." - Linda Herskovic
"Every time we make love, my boyfriend keeps telling me to tell him when I'm having an orgasm - which is difficult, 'cause usually when I'm having one, he's not there." - Margo Black	"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good at what he did." - Bobby Slayton
"In a new sex survey they found that 8 percent of people had sex four or more times a week. Now here's the interesting part. That number drops to 2 percent when you add the phrase, 'With a partner'" - David Letterman	"Single people throw the best parties. They don't have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They're out 15 bucks." - Jeff Foxworthy
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.	Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
"I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!" - Rodney Dangerfield	Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky. But there wasn't any gum under any of them." - Emo Philips	Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
"At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. And I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless." - Wendy Liebman	In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
"They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, 'My dreams for the future include world peace, and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus" - Jay Leno	"My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?" - Dave Attell
According to a survey in Family Circle magazine, twenty-seven percent of men say that sex puts them in a peaceful state of mind. Fifty-eight percent say money causes them stress. So the answer is obvious -- get cheaper hookers.	"The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security." - Colin Quinn
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'"- George Carlin	Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
"If stupidity was painful, you'd be in agony." - Unknown	Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
"Take it from me, wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins." - Harland Williams	"Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women surveyed just pretended to celebrate."
"I thought my wife was just being romantic when she sprinkled talcum powder in my underwear. Turns out it wasn't talcum powder after all.. it was Miracle Gro."	"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits. I went to piss in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty dishes."
"It's an age-old truism. Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex. And I know why, too. It's because they've been up half the night begging for it."	"We men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see us without an erection, it's time to make us a sandwich."
"I was pulled over for drunk driving by a female police officer. She said to me, 'Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you' So I said, 'Tits'"	"The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed."
"It's pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the same for me, I'd go home and curl up in bed with my favorite book. Well, actually it was a magazine." - Tom Arnold	Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
"The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be working. He's now a bigger dick than he was a few months ago."	"After we were married my wife told me she demanded good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table. So that night I climbed into bed slowly and said: 'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'"
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."	How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
"I used to hate going to family weddings where uncles and aunts slapped me on the shoulder and asked: "When is it your turn?" They stopped doing that after I started doing the same with them at funerals."	"People always want to try on my glasses. That's rude. I don't go to people with hairpieces, 'Hey, let me try on your wig. Let me sit in your wheelchair. Oh my god, you are SO crippled.'" - Jim Gaffigan
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: All the DNA is the same. There are no dental records.	"If a woman voices her opinion in the woods, and nobody hears her, is she still a bitch?"
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow	Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea?	"The latest market research found that 90% of the population in South Africa work in the iron and steel industry. Some of them iron but most of them steal.
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."	"I asked my instructor how I could cut ten strokes off my golf score. He told me to quit on the 17th hole."
"This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."	"What is the definition of a fierce competitor? A guy that comes in 1st and 3rd in a masturbation contest."
Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must undergo the fatigue of supporting it. -Patrick Henry	"My girlfriend told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
"We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden" Anniversary. I asked her to give me a blow job and she 'wooden.'"	"In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82% of the men responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18% revealed that they had been sucked into it."
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."	"Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin"
"It was the worst round of golf I've ever played. I only hit two good balls all day, and that was because I stepped on a rake!"	"My wife left me a note saying I should try out for "American Idle." But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr-- hey, wait a minute!"
"All the cereals nowadays. Cracklin' Oat Bran and Horkin Fiber Chunks. Cereal used to come with a free prize, now it comes with a free roll of toilet paper in every box." - Denis Leary	"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - Brian O'Rourke"
"I do not like work even when someone else does it." - Mark Twain	"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." - Albert Einstein
"The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure- fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone. They just change the witness's name to G. Spot"	"It seems the French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis... They have plenty of racquets, but no balls....." - Gary Kassner
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..... like that punch to the gut your older brother gave you when you were 10."	"A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men" - Conan O'Brien
"Nature Fact: Did you know that dolphins sleep with one eye open? Especially the young ones in the Neverland zoo"	"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
"There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure."	The other day, fifteen Boy Scouts from Minnesota had to be rescued after they became lost in the Cascade mountains. At first, rescuers tried to find the boys with bloodhounds, and when that didn't work, they brought in Michael Jackson. - Conan O'Brien

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.	"I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a flashlight, bringing me more work."
"You know how I describe the economic and social classes of this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showing up at those jobs." - George Carlin	"I know I need some kind of athletic activity in my life, so I subscribed to a couple of health magazines. There's nothing better than kicking back with a cigarette, a Budweiser, and Prevention magazine... and reading about what nicotine, alcohol, and sloth will do to me. The anxiety alone raises my heart rate."
"Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch check"	"People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don't like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law, it's her daughter I can't stand!" - Rodney Dangerfield
"If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves."	"How does that phone cord get so tangled? All I do is talk, and hang up. I don't pick it up and do a cartwheel and a somersault." - Larry Miller
"Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad." - Dave Barry	"I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand. The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window." - Garry Shandling
"Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots." - Craig Kilborn	"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so" - Douglas Adams
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.	"I used to go fishing until one day it struck me: you can buy fish. What the hell am I doing in a boat at 4:30 in the morning? If I want hamburger, I don't track cattle down." - Kenny Rogerson
"I've never had plastic surgery. I still have my own real breasts. I know, because when I lay on my back they roll underneath my arms and I look like a hammerhead shark" - Le Maire	"What's the deal with incense. It smells like somebody set fire to a clothes hamper. Gym socks and jasmine. Do we need that smell? You know what incense smells like? If flowers could fart." - William Coronel
"I've got a wonderful doctor. If you can't afford the operation, he touches up the X rays" - Henny Youngman	"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." - Sir Winston Spencer Churchill
"To teach kids about drinking, many schools now sponsor alcohol awareness programs. Don't we have something like that already? I believe they're called colleges." - Wally Wang	"The country has declared war on drugs to help protect the economy. Because if too many people get addicted to crack, there won't be enough of us left to be hooked on cigarettes and alcohol" - Wally Wang
"If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, just add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com."	When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'' by Matt Groening
"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?" - Rita Rudner	"I try too hard to be politically correct. Whenever I fill in an application for a credit card, under marital status, I write 'Pre-owned'" - Fran Chernowsky
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget" - Steven Wright	"The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work." -Unknown
"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?" - Tommy Sledge	We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - unknown	Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
"Ever been stuck behind an accident, and when you finally see the wreckage, you're actually happy? 'Things should pick up now, soon as we pass this carnage.'" - Paul Reiser	"My girlfriend just got out of the hospital. She had to have her stomach pumped 'cause I gave her what I thought was cotton candy, but it turned out to be insulation on a stick. - Steven Wright
"We've all done this because we're so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window, and go, "Mooo!" Like we expect the cow to think, 'Hey there's another cow driving that car! How can he afford that?'" - Garry Shandling	"I'll tell you how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said "Gee, we're enjoying the crime and the poverty but it isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." - Carl Zwanzig	"What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur." - Angela LaGreca
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen	Calvin and Hobbes: "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." - Carrie Snow	"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." - Freddie Starr
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi	"According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality. This was a survey published in 'Full Of Crap Magazine.'" - Conan O'Brien
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." - George Burns	"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." - Emo Philips
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey	"Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone." - Jan King
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - WC Fields	"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." - Patrick Murray	"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." - John Wayne
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." - Steven Wright	"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it" - Yogi Berra	"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Drew Carey
"Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.'" - Unknown	When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. - Frederick Ryder
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Unknown	When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -Dave Barry