CrashLaughing.com - Quotes Page

My mother wears hearing-aids. When Pavarotti performed at Lady Diana's funeral, she remarked, "Why are they letting him sing after he chased her through the tunnel?"	"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number." - Steven Wright
"You know your going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down. 'How about those...' 'Next!' 'What?' 'We're done.' 'Well, here's a tip.' 'I can't. That would be stealing." - Dave Attell	"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." -Catherine Aird
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry	"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." - Carrie Snow
"Spent the afternoon listening to self-improvement tapes. Now I'm feeling a little inadequate. I don't have the CDs." - Dennis Miller	"I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved."
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes." - Steven Wright	"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'" - Bruce Baum
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.	"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." - Marty Feldman.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'	I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
"I'm no good with women. I went up to a woman at a bar and said to her, "I've got a condom with your name on it." She said, "You must be mistaken my, name's not 'Trojan Extra Small'" - Ed Knight	"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
"One thing you can say about cats. They don't have to worry about kissing each other's asses - they can do that for themselves." - Dwight	"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum'" - Jeff Green
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.	Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Gun control is like trying to reduce Drunk Driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.	By the choices we make, we define ourselves, thereby revealing what we truly care about.
"Give a small boy a hammer, and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding." - Abraham Kaplan	I just heard the government is putting an extra 40% tax on aspirin because it's white and it works.
I'm not into that one-night stand thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use and degrade them.	I said to my wife, 'Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love.' She says, 'Well I can - and that's why we're not.
One important thing came out of the Persian Gulf War. They now have a Playboy Channel in Kuwait where the women do naughty things - like work and vote.	In Egypt, archeologists discovered the burial site of the 50 children of Ramses II... Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
"It is better to light just one candle than to clean the whole apartment." - Eileen Courtney	Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation. It's like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.
"I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions. 'Mr. Kinney, can you tell us the common denominator here?' Yeah, we all think this sucks." - David Kinney	"Into bondage? I am. What I do when I'm in the mood is tie her up and gag her, and go into the living room and watch football" - Tom Arnold
I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half. I have a little too much time on my ass.	"I had a typical high school romance. I was a cheerleader, and he was on the faculty." - Wendy Liebman
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.	Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun." - Ashleigh Brilliant	Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." - Christopher Case	"True love is the willingness to compromise. You agree to cut back on red meat. She agrees that beer is a vegetable." - Weldon Gaines
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.	If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
"Men and women are different. While guy is having sex he's thinking how great it would be with a different woman. While a woman is having sex she's thinking how lousy it is with this guy" - John Wing	I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment.
"I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet."	"My kindergarten teacher hated me. She used to find any excuse to pick on me, especially during nap time. Like I'm the only guy who sleeps naked." - Brian Kiley
I went to Australia, and those aborigines are so backward, they don't even have casinos. What kind of native people don't have casinos? That's what life was like before the white man: hunting, gathering, and gambling. - Norman K.	"There's an old song to the effect that the sun never sets on the British Empire. Well, while we were there, it never even rose." - Ring Lardner
"The word Aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning 'ability to,' and bics, meaning 'withstand tremendous boredom'" - Dave Barry	My wife and I get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
"When you get older your body changes. Now I groan louder after a meal than I do after an orgasm." - Joel Warshaw	You Know It's Time To Diet When Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
"I cleaned my refrigerator out the other day, hadn't done that for a while. Found a milk carton with the Lindbergh baby on it" - John Mendoza	If you access the Internet from the country does that mean you have a down home page?
When fish jump in the air, do they take a deep breath and close their eyes?	The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy	We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
"What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?"	"If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap"
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.	I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?	Description of a muff dive: Starts out like butterfly sucking pollen and ends up like a bulldog eating yoghurt.
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." - Michael McShane	When you start losing the hair on your ass, that's a very tricky comb over.
Everyone wants to save the earth but nobody wants to help me do the dishes.	Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.	My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing.
My uncle got a vasectomy. Put it on MasterCard. Forgot to pay. The finance company came over and knocked up his wife.	Ever go to an emergency room in Texas? They're in no hurry down there. I saw a plaque over the door that read, 'Time heals all wounds.'
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?	When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.	Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
In a controversial new biography, Liz Taylor reveals she likes her lovemaking loud, rough and frequent. Coincidentally, that's also how she likes to eat.	Two gay guys where dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"
The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Miss Agnes S. Stevens, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials.	Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee!
Before I can retaliate, does someone first have to taliate?	A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.	New York City Council votes a non-mandatory ban on use of the "N-word." Which effectively reduces Chris Rock's act to about a minute and a half.
"My husband and I found this great new method of birth control that really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids." - Roseanne	"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose." - Rita Rudner
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm an alcoholic"?	The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.	Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.	It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.
I stayed at Motel 6 the other night. Not only did they 'Leave The Light On' for me, they also left a half-eaten cheeseburger under the pillowcase and some hair in the shower.	No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
My wife and I prefer sex doggy-style. It gives her a chance to read her book and I can watch the sports channel.	Who would ever re-marry an ex-spouse? It's like taking an old carton of milk out of the fridge, taking a whiff, and saying, "Whoa! That's sour! I think I'll put it back. Maybe it'll be better later."
"I screwed up my taxes last year. Instead of sending my return to the IRS, I sent it to the IRA. I had to pay a late penalty, and my apartment was fire bombed." - Jack Archey	"Brothers are now conquering sports normally dominated by rich white people. We could take over polo too, if they'd let a brother put a horse on layaway." - Chris Rock

"The price of Prozac went up 50% last year. When they asked Prozac users how they felt about this they said, 'Whatever...'" - Conan O'Brien	While interviewing an anonymous US Marine on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the Marine what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips	"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.	"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." - George Burns
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your last years New Year's resolution.	Arnold Schwarzenegger to Jay Leno: "All right. I'm 56... too young for Anna Nichole and too old for Demi Moore."
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.	I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own." - Doug Larson.	"If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not to me." - Larry Flynt
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry	"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemmingway.
"When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." - Emo Phillips	"A three-year- old girl who had learned a song about 911 at school was able to call the number when her mother suffered a seizure. This is a happier story then last month, when she danced the hokey-pokey while her father went into full cardiac arrest." - Conan O'Brien
You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.	The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.	Scientists in Israel have developed a libido meter which measures a person's sexual desire. Must be for women, cause us guys have a libido meter that works fine!
"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last night. I finally had to get up and let her out." - Henny Youngman	Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
"I feel about airplaines the way I feel about diets. It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on." - Jean Kerr	"I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house." - Roseanne
"Yesterday in Egypt, archeologists discovered the burial site of the 50 children of Ramses II... Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?" - Conan O'Brien	"It's weird; I have a parent who's a shrink. It's hard to think of my mom solving other people's problems when she's the root of all mine." - Carol Leifer
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio" -Bill Braudis	According to a new fat acceptance study, Americans are okay with fat people -- unless they are on top during sex.
The best exercise for reducing is to move the head slowly from right to left when offered a second helping at the dinner table.	I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There is no woman you don't want to have sex with, just some you don't want anyone to know you had sex with.	"I said to my wife, 'Boy, you're getting old! Look at all your wrinkles!' She said, 'They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!' I told her, 'Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'"
Most medical historians now believe that it was Christopher Columbus who brought sexually transmitted diseases to the new world. On the other hand, the Indians gave him tobacco so it's pretty much a wash.	Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.	I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.
"What's the deal with incense. It smells like somebody set fire to a clothes hamper. Gym socks and jasmine. Do we need that smell? You know what incense smells like? If flowers could fart." - William Coronel	"I know I need some kind of athletic activity in my life, so I subscribed to a couple of health magazines. There's nothing better than kicking back with a cigarette, a Budweiser, and Prevention magazine... and reading about what nicotine, alcohol, and sloth will do to me. The anxiety alone raises my heart rate." - Cindee Weiss
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest? When her favorite sexual position is "next door"	Prince Charles is the only person who had a wife that looked like a mistress and a mistress that looks like a wife!
More and more businesses are starting to welcome nursing mothers. Breast-feeding women are welcome at Burger King and Starbucks. I'm not sure about Hooters. I think those breasts are mainly for display purposes only.	The internet oversight body has approved a special designation for pornography with the address ending ".xxx". That is going to free up approximately 99% of what is now ".com".
Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from. - Al Franken	"My boyfriend works for a driving school. One of the great perks is you get to take the car out on the weekends. I'm telling you, that's one great party car. You can be doing lines of coke, smoking joints, be drunk out of your head, swerving all over the road. No one ever says anything. Even the cops say, 'Get a load of the student driver.'" - Joan Keiter
"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done." - Andy Rooney	On hemorrhoids: "The examination is humiliating. You go in bent over on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old man has a finger up your ass. It's a lot like summer camp." - Jon Stewart

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