A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together
on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to
be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There
are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them
for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him,
so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper
lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs.
Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she
called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone
enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor
had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their
stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything
will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the
helper lady came in and said, "You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped"
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality
based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost
all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly
what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and
bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just
screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of
the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day in his car when he saw his girlfriend
Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.
Bruce slammed on the brakes and shouted, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing'?"
Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said, "Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now
I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this and replied, "Sheila, not only are you a
great lay, but you're a damn good sport too!"
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go
out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive
wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and
she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle
and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his
head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"
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