Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife:
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "Darned if you ain't 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella. '
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is
shivering with fear."
The lion says: "If I roar in the savannah, the entire savannah is
afraid of me."
The chicken says: "Big deal. I only have to cough and the entire
planet is afraid of me.
One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was
shocked to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black
and carrying submachine guns. One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone
willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."
Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled.
Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had
spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said, "Okay
Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service."
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary
qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress
the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American
History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of
Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this
form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously
pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he
notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and
says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred
Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and
instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than
one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across
the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, Don't send any more men, it's a trap.
There's two of them!"
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her
final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As
the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself
deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to
always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when
she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her
friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the
words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the
water, you won't get dysentery."
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
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