Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is
scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters
the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Adam! You can't have ice
cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility
closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs
he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks
it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs
he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that
kid some ice cream!"
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way
home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a
package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE."
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you
wear the same size as our bed!"
A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could
only muster eight players, but finally found a ninth to play.
In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their
team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first
pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his team-mates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run,"
he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age"
holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I
want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your
index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't
have a headache, I really don't have a headache".
Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same
time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.
Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't
have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is
gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you
are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems
in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to
come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight
to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts
making wild passionate love to her. When he's finished, he goes right back
to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at
it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he
goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has
become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through
the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers
pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife, that woman is
not my wife....."
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of
the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years
of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to
see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die,
so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
Claiming she has vastly more experience than Obama, Hillary Clinton
released a campaign commercial showing children asleep in their beds
as a doomsday voice asks "Who's most qualified to answer the White House
phone when it rings at three in the morning?"
Which makes a valid point. She's answered that phone many times at 3 a.m.,
although it was usually Bill asking her to call him a cab.
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